she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
