I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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