dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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