i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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