that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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