I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
