I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
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