Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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