did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
