I swear she didn't look like that last week.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Randomize
