Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
