Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
