Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
