but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Randomize
