you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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