I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
