Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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