I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
