I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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