So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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