Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
