32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
