I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
