he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
