what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
