started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
