Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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