I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
