You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
