I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
