Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
