I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
