I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
