My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
