Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
