Don't you send me to vm
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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