so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
