If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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