all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
