Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
