please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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