Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
