my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
