At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
The best revenge is premature balding
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
