My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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