she woke up with a sticky ear
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
