I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
