Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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