I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
