Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
