Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
